The Deadbeat Club

Make Me

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 13:01:00 +0000

Free will is probably one of the best things God gave to mankind.

Because of this gift,we can choose between right and wrong, good and evil, black and white, and so on.

Following this premise, Raft3r cannot be compelled to:

1. render overtime work on weekends;
2. save for a rainy day;
3. finish his law degree;
4. accept all friend requests on Facebook;
5. talk about his so-called feelings;
6. enjoy Julia Roberts chick flicks;
7. publicize his good deeds;
8. stop watching porn;
9. like YOU.

The Godfather

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 15:01:00 +0000

Raft3r is a godfather to twenty six children.

Yes, you read that right. 26. That is no typographical error.

I do not know what possessed their parents to designate me with such a tremendous responsibility.

I could hardly be made accountable for my own actions. How could others think I can take care of their children in cases of emergency?

Due to the huge volume of Christmas presents Raft3r had to buy, shopping started as early as September. All twenty six godchildren are now accounted for.

They say Christmas is for kids.

The young ones get all the gifts. Adults do all the spending.

This is one instance when being a grown up sucks.

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 12:04:00 +0000

Raft3r spent an hour with an Indian call center agent and an old near deaf American lady with a nasal defect (i.e. ngongo).

It was a three way phone conversation. To say that the entire encounter is challenging would be an understatement.

Both women could not understand each other. There were a lot of yelling. Raft3r acted as the middle man.

The Indian was the first to wave the white flag.

She asked, “What language is she speaking?” I answered, “English.”

That was how I spent (part of) my day. How was yours?

I Was Hoping

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 09:07:00 +0000

With presents wrapped and Noche Buena fast approaching, Raft3r bestows his Holiday wishes to the following:

1. Marian Rivera – You are almost perfect. A speech/language course is in order.
2. Janet Jackson – A major comeback worthy of your iconic stature.
3. The Bitch – A landslide loss in the upcoming election.
4. Jodie Foster – A third Oscar and a new hit movie.
5. Pinoy politicians – Time to finally grow a conscience.
6. Maguindanao Massacre victims – May real justice be served.
7. Tiger Woods – A sense of contentment.
8. Manny Pacquiao – Focus on what your good at. I am not referring to women, of course.
9. The Starlet – None. Kokey is your Karma.

Slap A Bitch

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 04:21:00 +0000

She did it again.

Just like the devil baby, GMA refuses to give up.

Gloria, everyone’s favorite politician, has filed her candidacy for the Lower House. Like a moth to a flame, our beloved President is holding on to power - any which way she can.

There are so many words to describe GMA and her acts. But it’s the Christmas Season.

We should be kind, even to Satan’s helpers.

Touch My Body

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 00:56:00 +0000

Raft3r received a proposal.

Stop right there.

It is not the kind of proposal you are thinking of. I am not getting hitched.

Someone propositioned Raft3r to be the father of her child.

I had a lot of crazy proposals in the past. Hell, even indecent ones. But this one definitely took top honors.

I won’t go much into details to protect her anonymity.

For a while there, it got me thinking.

Is Raft3r a baby maker or a manwhore?

Call On Me

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 02:02:00 +0000

Janet is this generation’s Obi-Wan Kenobi.

She has the perfect answer to every imaginable question.

Consider the following:

On education – “We’ve gotta teach our kids to read and write. That’s the only way to win this fight for life.” The Knowledge, Rhythm Nation 1814

On self worth – “We all have the need to feel special. It is this need that can bring out the best in us yet the worst in us.” Twisted Elegance, The Velvet Rope

On life – “Livin’ everyday like it’s my last. I refuse to be stuck in the past. So just enjoy and celebrate.” Enjoy, 20 Y.O.

On sex – “Tie me up. Tie me down. Make me moan so loud.” Rope Burn, The Velvet Rope

On abstinence – “Let's just take our time. With love so good, we shouldn't rush it. We need to slow it down.” Let’s Wait Awhile, Control

On love – “You are the one that lives in me, my dear. I want no one but you.” I Get Lonely, The Velvet Rope

On individuality – “In complete darkness we are all the same. It is only our knowledge and wisdom that separate us. Don’t le your eyes deceive you.” Livin’…In Complete Darkness, Rhythm Nation 1814

On racism and gender inequality– “Because of my gender I heard no too many times. Because of my race I heard no too many times. But with every no I grow in strength. That is why African American woman I stand tall with pride.” New Agenda, janet.

On past relationships – “When I lay with you I close my eyes, I'm thinkin' bout my ex. When I'm touching you gently, I'm thinkin' bout my ex. While you talk to me I drift away, I'm thinkin' bout my ex. When you ask me what I'm thinkin', I'm thinkin' bout my ex.” Thinkin’ About My Ex, Damita Jo

On partying – “We go deep and we don’t get no sleep. Cause we’ll be up all night until the early light.” Go Deep, The Velvet Rope

On traveling – “I woke up with an Australian breeze. Under the moon glow down in Mexico I dreamed. Springtime in Paris feels so good to me. It'll be fun walking in the rain in Spain.” Runaway, Design Of A Decade

On fame and stardom – “Do you like me? Do you want me? Just for what you see? Do you think that I'm that person you watch on TV? There's another side that I don't hide
but might never show.” Damita Jo, Damita Jo

On death – “Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I know you are there smiling back at me.” Together Again, The Velvet Rope

On nation building – “People of the world unite. Strength in numbers we can get it right.” Rhythm Nation, Rhythm Nation 1814

On wealth and spirituality – “There is nothing more depressing than having everything and still feeling sad. You have to learn to water your spiritual garden.” Sad/Special, The Velvet Rope

On career aspiration – “Do movies. I do dance. Do music. I love doin' my man,” Damita Jo, Damita Jo

Post script: Call On Me is the lead single of 20 Y.O. and Janet’s 16th number 1 hit on Billboard’s Hot R&B Charts.

Nasty

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 12:38:00 +0000

Chelsea Handler is one funny lady.

I have subscribed to her podcast in iTunes and regularly watch Chelsea Lately.

Raft3r and Chelsea are also friends in Facebook. Ah, the wonders of technology.

Although Handler's humor is not at all groundbreaking (jokes about Asians, Mexicans, midgets, gays, et. al.), her delivery is impeccable.

Her round table discussion with fellow comedians about today’s celebrity gossip is a hoot. I die laughing just watching them.

One thing I like about Handler is her take no prisoner attitude. Chelsea says what she wants and does not give a damn. It’s pure entertainment bliss.

She pokes fun at everything and everyone – including herself.

Ms. Lately has already victimized Mariah Carey, John Mayer, the Olsen Twins, and a slew of other celebs.

Chelsea is game for anything.

Just don’t call her baby. It’s Chelsea. Ms. Handler, if you’re nasty.

Post script: Nasty has been certified gold for sales of over half a million copies in the US alone. Janet has a total of 21 gold singles. Nasty is a top 3 hit from the Control CD.

State Of The World

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:00:00 +0000

On one lazy Friday morning, the US Secretary of State paid our little office a visit.

It was a historical occasion.

Everyone was excited. We were all asked by Human Resources to wear smart casual for the meet and greet.

A town hall meeting was set at 10 o’clock in the morning. Raft3r had an appointment with a client at the same time. Work had to be a priority.

I wanted to meet Hillary.

Raft3r wanted to ask her questions - not about the economy or US foreign relation policies - but about Monica and Bill. I needed to see her lose her cool like she did in Congo.

You have to hand in to Hillary, though. She knows how to speak her mind.

My favorite Secretary of State is Colin Powell. He founded America’s Promise. Mr. Powell is also good friends with Janet Jackson.

Post Script: State Of The World is a track from Rhythm Nation 1814 which produced seven top 5 singles in the Billboard Hot 100, a record unsurpassed until now. Rhythm Nation 1814 sold more than 14 million records worldwide.

If

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:08:00 +0000

What if:

1. Pacman did not win against Cotto;
2. the Philippines has not been devastated by Ondoy and his friends;
3. GMA never became President;
4. the starlet never switched networks;
5. polygamy is not a crime;
6. there is only ONE religion;
7. Janet’s wardrobe malfunction did not occur;
8. Palin won as Vice President;
9. The Deadbeat Club never existed.

Would the world be a better place?

Post script: If is one of Janet’s 19 #1 songs in Billboard Hot Dance chart. It is the second single from the janet. album.

Doesn't Really Matter

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 03:19:00 +0000

In my plight to be leaner before the Holiday Season, the kids and I headed to a hotel lunch buffet on Veteran’s Day.

Raft3r had 2 plates of rib eye steak with a small serving of lechon on the side, a couple of lobsters, 5 scoops of ice cream, a fruit platter, and 2 slices of blueberry cheesecake.

I could have gone on and on and ate like crazy. But I am on a diet. I think.

Post script: Doesn’t Really Matter, the theme song to her hit movie The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, is but one of Janet’s ten #1 singles in the Billboard Hot 100. The single is also included in her All For You CD.

The Pleasure Principle

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 23:37:00 +0000

Raft3r has a new pastime.

It is watching girls eat. Seriously, I am hooked.

There is something sexy about women and their mouth. It is not just the lips that Raft3r finds attractive, but the entire mouth.

It all started with Leighton Meester. Yes, that hot chick from Gossip Girl.

I saw her eat an entire plate of pasta on TMZ. It was one of the best TV moments EVER.

Watching Leighton open her mouth is quite orgasmic. That is one lucky fork, I tell you.

With more than five (5) hours to spare before flying back to Manila, I headed to The Venetian for a quick bite and some girl watching.

Chinese women eat really FAST. They chew rather quickly and open their mouth really wide when eating.

Pinays, on the other hand, are far more reserved. They chew their food slowly and open their mouth very discreetly when eating.

Of course, these are all hasty generalizations. All women have different ways of eating.

Some devour their food like there is no tomorrow. That is such a huge turnoff. Others eat with a lot of grace and composure. That is more of Raft3r’s taste.

It’s fascinating to watch women eat. It’s no rocket science. But it’s a glimpse inside their psyche.

Raft3r’s oral fixation has sprung.

Post script: The Pleasure Principle is the sixth single taken off Control which sold over 14 million albums worldwide.

Son Of A Gun

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 12:37:00 +0000

The three (3) hour flight to Macau was excruciating.

Thanks to an infant boy and his mother, everyone on board Flight 5J 362 was in for a treat.

Not only did Madonna and child delay our take off for more than half an hour, baby boy cried and screamed at the top of his lungs for the entire duration of the flight.

It was like being trapped in baby hell. As fate would have it, Raft3r was seated next to the crying rugrat.

The devil baby was like the Energizer bunny. He just won’t quit. Not once did he stop crying.

When we touched down, I immediately took my bag and headed to Immigration. A couple of minutes later, Raft3r heard the familiar cry. The kid was just behind me and still howling.

He just wouldn't let up. You got to admire the kid for his persistence, though.

Post script: Son Of A Gun samples Carly Simon’s You’re So Vain. It is the last single from All For You which sold more than seven (7) million copies worldwide.

Accept Me

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 03:37:00 +0000

Everyone hates a quitter, right?

But there comes a point in life when you just have to stop trying.

That doesn’t mean you are a failure.

It’s just a realization that there are certain things that we cannot change.

This includes my inability to lose weight.

Post script: Accept Me is the B-side to Every Time. The latter is the sixth single off The Velvet Rope CD which sold more than 10 (ten) million copies worldwide.

Twenty Foreplay

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:01:00 +0000

As my wife once said, “Relax. It’s just sex.”

1. Whisper sweet nothings to her.
2. Role play.
3. Slowly stroke her thighs.
4. Bubble bath.
5. Striptease.
6. Nibble her ears.
7. Sensual massage.
8. Play with her belly button.
9. Watch erotic movies together.
10. Lick whip cream off each others' bodies.
11. Blindfold her.
12. Play with her babies using ice.
13. Tease her endlessly.
14. As background music, listen to Janet’s “Anytime, Anyplace.”
15. The tongue is a great communicator.
16. Caress her knees.
17. Kiss her like it’s the only thing that matters.
18. Rough it up a bit.
19. Tell each others' fantasies.
20. Read her a funny post from The Deadbeat Club. (Trust me. This one really works!)

Post script: Twenty Foreplay is the second single from Janet’s first greatest hits album, Design Of A Decade, which sold more than ten (10) million copies worldwide.

Whoops Now

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 15:10:00 +0000

On the first of November, Raft3r spent the whole day with three (3) elder members of the family.

The young ones were out and about in the beaches of Tacloban. Lucky bastards.

We visited the cemetery to pay respect to our dearly departed.

Elderly 1 is always angry. Elderly 2 is always irritating. Elderly 3 is always chatty.

1 and 2 are always at odds. Today was no exception. They fought about everything – from the way 2 walks to the way 1 overreacted when 2 scolded a household help. 3 chimed in and joined the fun.

It was one huge circus and we were at a very public place.

The decibels of their voices were more than enough to break glass. Take that, Mariah!

Don’t get me wrong. I love my family to pieces. But like everyone else’s brood, mine is pretty dysfunctional.

Spending time with my family is like watching a really terrible movie. You know it’s bad for you. But you still stay glued just to see how it all ends.

Post script: To celebrate my wife’s Greatest Hits CD (out November 17), all month’s posts are named after Janet songs. Whoops Now is the bonus track from the janet. album which sold over twenty (20) million copies worldwide.

Seven Whole Days

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:03:00 +0000

As I watched two middle-age men battle it out in the tennis court, a friend saw U2 in concert.

While I tried to figure out what toys to buy my nieces, an acquaintance contemplated on how to become a better citizen of our great Nation.

As I hurriedly posted a new entry in The Deadbeat Club, a fellow blogger purchased his own domain.

While hanging out with friends in Macau, a grade school batch mate was roaming around New York with his buddies.

As I unravel the “on again/off again” status of my present relationship, a neighbor is busy preparing for her December wedding.

This was how Raft3r spent the past seven (7) days. The comparisons were based on the numerous shout-outs plastered all over Facebook.

Suddenly, my life seemed so insignificant.

I may be the star(let) of my own show. Though many others have far more interesting plots and intriguing twists than I can offer.

I better shake off this feeling. Self-loathing doesn’t suit Raft3r.

No Cheap Thrill

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:12:00 +0000

There are only three (3) things in this world that scare the shit out of Raft3r.

To wit: (a) frogs, (b) commitment, and (c) heights.

For 90MOP, I managed to accomplish the third fear factor.

Raft3r and two of his daredevil friends visited the Macau Tower.

I did not bungee jump nor did the sky walk. I am way too much of a sissy to even attempt those.

The main observation deck, which is on the 58th floor, is frightening enough.

Some of the tower’s steps are glass panels (from which you can see the view from below). Perfect! Imagine stepping on these monsters.

Sadly, Halloween came early for Raft3r.

Autumn In New York

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:14:00 +0000

Yummy Friend and I were supposed to spend Thanksgiving together in New York.

We had everything planned out including all the side trips we were gonna take.

Now due to recession, only one of us is going on that trip – and it is not Raft3r.

Over lunch, we mutually decided to ditch our travel plan.

Yummy Friend will now be pursuing a solo Thanksgiving adventure. She is currently mapping her San Francisco travel.

That place is awesome. My all time fave Pinoy flick was shot there, as well.

The Big Apple invasion has been rescheduled to fall of 2010.

Next year’s New York escapade is definitely something to look forward to. Laieesha is joining us, too.

Raft3r always enjoys a threesome.

Dazed And Confused

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:30:00 +0000

I almost forgot about this.

Raft3r is off to Macau in a couple of days.

Somehow my mind is not set on traveling. All I keep thinking about is the money I will be spending on this trip.

Suddenly, Raft3r has become a party pooper. Instead of making a list of what to buy, I have listed the things I needed to pay for this travel.

I am sucking the fun off this trip.

Either I am becoming a responsible adult or just simply turning into someone who refuses to enjoy life.

Take your pick.

I Am Not My Hair

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:58:00 +0000

Alright, alright.

I shaved my head.

It’s no big deal.

Neither is it a matter of national interest.

But apparently for some, it is.

Everyone had an opinion on Raft3r’s buzz cut.

My three year old niece was the most affected. “You’re no longer Joe, tito,” she lamented.

Even the stylist at the salon reluctantly agreed to my new haircut.

I asked that he use razor #4. He kept asking me if I was sure. I said yes. He rolled his eyes and proceeded to do the deed.

Guess this is how life in a fish bowl feels like. Suddenly being a starlet ain’t all that fun, after all.

My Great Escape

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 13:05:00 +0000

My eyes hurt.

For three straight days, all Raft3r did was watch the first three seasons of Prison Break.

It was the DVD marathon to end all DVD marathons. That’s 57 episodes or 3,420 minutes spent in front of the television.

Here are a few things I learned from Michael Scofield and his crew:

1. Pretty boys are hot jail commodities.
2. It takes 22 episodes to escape from prison, another 22 to be incarcerated again and an additional 12 episodes to escape once more.
3. Panama is not a good place to be a bad boy.
4. Male eyebrow threading is uncool. You get that, Paul Kellerman?
5. SONA has a totally different meaning in Panama.
6. Once a monster, always a monster.
7. Betrayal, double crossing, and backstabbing transcend all race and gender.
8. Problems just keep piling up.
9. A female president is corrupt. GMA, is that you?
10. I will never look at tattoos the same way again.

Sixteen Going On Seventeen

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:19:00 +0000

Raft3r has a new crush – and this time, she is NOT a celebrity.

I met her in a restaurant.

She was out with her friends and Raft3r was with his buddies.

We exchanged glances and the flirting ensued.

She was cute as hell. I approached her.

It turned out the cute chick was only sixteen! That’s statutory rape.

To my defense, she didn’t look her age. Her body was well developed, if you know what I mean.

In a strange and twisted way, she may be perfect for Raft3r.

When she’s twenty six (which is a decade from now), I might just be ready to commit.

Something In Common

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 09:52:00 +0000

It’s a universal truth.

Kids don’t lie.

So if children say you’re good looking. Dang, you really are!

During dinner with friends, my adorable godchild was asked if Raft3r is pogi (handsome). Without batting an eyelash, the smart kid answered yes.

Everyone at the dinner table laughed hard.

An hour after, they asked the girl same question. The answer remained the same. Raft3r was pleased.

Let’s not forget my two biggest fans, my wonderful nieces.

They squeal in delight whenever they see me. My nieces are good for my ego.

Raft3r’s mom commented, “Para kang artista sa dalawang yan, ah. (You’re like a celebrity to those kids.)”

My nieces now call me Joe (of the Jonas Brothers’ fame) because of my long hair. They would offer to comb my hair and style it ala-Joe. It’s almost ridiculous.

Alright, I take it back.

Rat3r does not wish to be compared to a leotard wearing 20 year old virgin who prances around and lip synchs to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.”

It’s appalling.

But I have to admit, Joe and I wear the same color of Wayfarers.

10,000 BC

raft3rkid@gmail.com (Raft3r) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 06:36:00 +0000

Raft3r’s The Deadbeat Club has another reason to celebrate.

Hold your breath.

It’s not another hacking incident.

Visitors to the Malibay blog have now reached over ten thousand (as opposed to hits which are now close to forty thousand).

That’s crazy, right?!

I wish I have something witty to say. But I have nothing.

All I have is this overwhelming feeling of gratitude towards YOU.

Yes, YOU.

Thank YOU.

YOU make it all worthwhile.

YOU.