Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Part Of The List

Here’s another update on Raft3r’s "100 Things To Do Before I Die."

Who would have thought this list is feasible?

1. Get out of Baltimore alive.
2. Skydive.
3. Get married in Boracay.
4. Purchase a condo, preferably near work.
5. Switch to Blu-ray.
6. Be interviewed on TV.
7. Write a book. I can’t help but laugh at the idea.
8. Have kids. Twins would be awesome. Cute ones, please.
9. Take life more seriously.
10. Watch my nieces get married.
11. Have an encounter with Martina Hingis.
12. Be in a movie. I can act.
13. Play tennis with Patrick Rafter.
14. Be debt free.
15. Work for the United Nations.
16. Catch the US Open live.
17. Stop procrastinating.
18. Have 7 girlfriends at the same time.
19. Lie consistently.
20. Dress appropriately for my age.
21. Own an island in Palawan.
22. Practice yoga.
23. Take mom to Europe.
24. Stop annoying my next door neighbor.
25. Visit M&M in Australia.
26. Be invited to an orgy.
27. Lose weight.
28. Adopt a chow chow.
29. Learn to play a musical instrument.
30. Be allergy free.
31. Live in New York.
32. Become a vegetarian.
33. Learn to love enemies.
34. Be the voice of my generation.
35. Stop plotting my revenge on high school bullies.
36. Blog more.
37. Run naked in a very public place.
38. Be responsible.
39. Search for the perfect smoothie.
40. Wake up early.
41. Drive responsibly.
42. Be abducted by aliens.
43. Eat sensibly.
44. Get mobbed by fans.
45. Buy my nieces a pony.
46. Finally tell my folks about the Picanto.
47. Become a sports commentator for Wimbledon.
48. Stop complaining.
49. Pray more.
50. Learn to commit.
51. Be practical.
52. Send apology letters to all my exes.
53. Meet Jodie Foster.
54. Go to Graceland.
55. Invent something.
56. Visit Batanes.
57. Get certified for diving.
58. Sex on the beach.
59. Have my teeth whitened.
60. Buy a MacBook.
61. A dinner party with Hannibal Lecter, Dana Scully, and Stewie from Family Guy.
62. Have a Google page ranking of 10 for The Deadbeat Club.
63. A vacation in Tokyo.
64. Learn to ski.
65. Have Hugh Hefner’s lifestyle when I turn 50.
66. Stash more cash in the bank.
67. Learn to say no.
68. Complete the Janet Jackson music catalogue. She’s HOT!
69. Buy stocks and bonds.
70. Start jogging.
71. Become a rock star.
72. Get paid to talk.
73. Eat at IHOP everyday.
74. Sleep all day.
75. A rest house in Tagaytay.
76. Make my country proud.
77. Witness a Marian apparition.
78. A picnic at Central Park with the entire Friends gang.
79. Run a marathon.
80. Engage in charity work.
81. Learn to surf.
82. Curse more.
83. Inspire others.
84. Put up a rehab center for DVD addicts.
85. Have breakfast in bed with Angelina Jolie.
86. Be a ball boy at the Aussie Open.
87. Persuade Denise Richards to give up acting.
88. Grow a full beard.
89. Pick up a new language.
90. Read more.
91. Spend less.
92. Recycle.
93. Start answering my phone calls.
94. Get rid of negativity.
95. Stop making up stories just to make my life more interesting.
96. Hold a giant anaconda. That’s no gay talk.
97. Take a trip to Africa.
98. Learn something from this 11 week training in Maryland.
99. Know how to change tires.
100. Be funny as hell.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The Man Who Sold The World

Raft3r always had good business sense.

When I was younger, I put all my Marvel and DC comics to good use. I had them rented to next door neighbors for a buck each.

Toys I received as gifts and did not appeal to me were sold in an instant.

A prepubescent Raft3r enjoyed manning his grandparents’ sari-sari store. I would jack up prices of goodies sold for my own benefit.

As I got older, the more entrepreneurial I became.

I had my VHS tapes rented and had a garage sale for all my old cassette tapes and Archie Digests.

A yuppie Raft3r once sold siopao (Chinese dimsum), ham and tuna sandwiches at the Canadian Embassy. That was a hit.

I hit pay dirt selling DVDs online. Yes, there are folks willing to shell out hard earned money to buy original stuff. Take that, pirates!

Raft3r is now in the business of leasing out cars and selling gift certificates of various establishments.

For those interested, you know where to find me.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Die Another Day

Would you kill someone you love?

That is the question.

Raft3r knows how crazy the human mind works. But what does it take for someone to take the life of another?

Extreme jealousy? Lousy sex? Body odor?

Just when you think you know someone, that same person changes right before your very eyes. I may have quoted Clara’s Heart on that.

But ever since the first time I heard that line, it never left my consciousness. It made such an impact that my distrust for people began at a very young age.

I become automatically suspicious if someone is very nice to me.

Raft3r believes there is always a motive to all our actions. That motive is often selfish.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Raft3r is a people pleaser.

If there is something I can’t do, it is to say no.

I know I am not alone in this predicament.

Why is it so hard to say no?

Why do we always take into consideration what other people might think of us if we turn down an offer or a request?

It gets tiring after awhile. But the need to please others remains.

Human behavior is so complex.

Just once, Raft3r would like to say: “Fuck off!” But I can’t.

That doesn't make me a good person. It only means I'm a pushover.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

King Of Wishful Thinking

In a perfect world:
  • No one would be hungry.
  • There is equal distribution of wealth.
  • Everyone would have their own HD television with Blu-ray.
  • The Philippines won’t be a third world country.
  • Laughter is spread like wildfire.
  • Every Filipino is entitled to a US visa.
  • Janet’s Nipplegate scandal would not have been blown out of proportion.
  • We live harmoniously with one another.
  • The Deadbeat Club is required reading in all schools.
  • GMA won't be president.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Idle Hands

Seven months after my trip to Baltimore, I started unpacking.

Don’t be surprised.

It would have been done much later if not for lack of activity due to the Holy Week.

Just in time for the summer, Raft3r has a luggage full of new clothes.

I also found some stuff from Majuro. That trip was almost a year ago.

Raft3r does pack in advance but takes forever to unload his stuff afterward.

Man, I should start unpacking things as soon as I get home. But where’s the fun in that, right?

Post script: My luggage from Hong Kong is still intact.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist

These are in heavy rotation in Raft3r’s iPod:

Alanis Morissette’s Simple Together
(A very poignant song for the dumped.)

Janet’s The Velvet Rope
(This saved me years of therapy. I got through depression because of this CD.)

Cyndi Lauper’s Goonies ‘R’ Good Enough
(What a pop song should be.)

Me’Shell Ndegeocello’s Bitter
(Heartbreak never sounded so good.)

Eraserheads’ Anthology
(Pinoy music at its best.)

Duncan Sheik’s That Says It All
(The best dude with a guitar. Take that, John Mayer.)

(The closest thing I could get to being mushy.)

Bonnie Raitt’s I Can’t Make You Love Me
(My idea of a love song.)

Pearl Jam’s Rearviewmirror
(Grunge lives on.)

Garbage’s Absolute Garbage
(If this is trash, I want more.)

Are your favorites on Raft3r’s list?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

40 Days And 40 Nights

When I was little, Holy Week only meant one thing: boredom.

You are stuck at home with almost nothing to do.

Nothing good is on TV, unless you consider a marathon of 7th Heaven and religious movies starring Matt Ranillo III as pure bliss.

Raft3r’s family is Catholic. The rest of the clan is Iglesia ni Cristo (Church of Christ).

My cousins would often tease me that I would burn in hell for being different. I told them it didn’t matter. I had air conditioning.

As Raft3r grew older, the significance of Holy Week became more apparent.

While my cousins head to the beach on Black Friday, my little family spends the day in church.

I am, in no way, a religious freak. But I do believe in God.

Here is why:

Raft3r was in fifth grade. Because of a long break in school, we were assigned a book to read with a corresponding report to match.

A day before class, I haven’t even started reading.

It was Sunday night and I was in deep shit. Mom refused to help me out. She wanted to teach me a lesson. After all, I had a week to do the report.

Raft3r browsed through the book and thought it was mission impossible. I couldn’t read it in one sitting.

So, I made a deal with God.

I prayed with all my might and asked for a miracle. I begged The Big Man Above to give me enough time to do my report.

Raft3r woke up the next day to a surprising development.

My nanny said school has been cancelled because of rain. Raft3r was ecstatic! Indeed, it was a miracle from God.

I went through my day playing and only read half of the book.

The next day, Raft3r submitted an incomplete project.

My teacher had that disapproving look on her face when I turned in my assignment.

Raft3r disappointed God, as well.

And that wouldn't be the last time.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

You Learn

Raft3r may not know everything.

But here are a few things I am quite certain of:

• I will never get highlights for my hair;

• I detest boy bands;

• I will always be impulsive;

• A black and yellow stripe shirt is, by no means, stylish;

• I will never like the taste of Adobo;

• I don’t think I’ll ever take myself seriously;

• My unconditional love for Janet is unparalleled;

• I will always be a kid at heart;

• I would rather sleep late than work on weekends; and

• I will always be horny.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Man In The Mirror

Is image everything?

Given that what people think about us matters, the answer to the above question is a resounding YES.

Pinoys have reacted badly to a Hong Kong columnist who described our beloved country as a nation of servants.

Consider the following facts:

1. Majority of our overseas contract workers are domestic workers.

2. A great chunk of Pinoy workers in HK are household helpers.

3. Filipino maids are in demand worldwide.

Since image is everything, here’s the challenge to our now infamous Hong Kong writer. Mr. Tsao, kindly place your photo right beside Raft3r’s.

Tell me. Who looks like a servant now?