Sunday, November 29, 2009

Call On Me

Janet is this generation’s Obi-Wan Kenobi.

She has the perfect answer to every imaginable question.

Consider the following:

On education – “We’ve gotta teach our kids to read and write. That’s the only way to win this fight for life.” The Knowledge, Rhythm Nation 1814

On self worth – “We all have the need to feel special. It is this need that can bring out the best in us yet the worst in us.” Twisted Elegance, The Velvet Rope

On life – “Livin’ everyday like it’s my last. I refuse to be stuck in the past. So just enjoy and celebrate.” Enjoy, 20 Y.O.

On sex – “Tie me up. Tie me down. Make me moan so loud.” Rope Burn, The Velvet Rope

On abstinence – “Let's just take our time. With love so good, we shouldn't rush it. We need to slow it down.” Let’s Wait Awhile, Control

On love – “You are the one that lives in me, my dear. I want no one but you.” I Get Lonely, The Velvet Rope

On individuality – “In complete darkness we are all the same. It is only our knowledge and wisdom that separate us. Don’t le your eyes deceive you.” Livin’…In Complete Darkness, Rhythm Nation 1814

On racism and gender inequality– “Because of my gender I heard no too many times. Because of my race I heard no too many times. But with every no I grow in strength. That is why African American woman I stand tall with pride.” New Agenda, janet.

On past relationships – “When I lay with you I close my eyes, I'm thinkin' bout my ex. When I'm touching you gently, I'm thinkin' bout my ex. While you talk to me I drift away, I'm thinkin' bout my ex. When you ask me what I'm thinkin', I'm thinkin' bout my ex.” Thinkin’ About My Ex, Damita Jo

On partying – “We go deep and we don’t get no sleep. Cause we’ll be up all night until the early light.” Go Deep, The Velvet Rope

On traveling – “I woke up with an Australian breeze. Under the moon glow down in Mexico I dreamed. Springtime in Paris feels so good to me. It'll be fun walking in the rain in Spain.” Runaway, Design Of A Decade

On fame and stardom – “Do you like me? Do you want me? Just for what you see? Do you think that I'm that person you watch on TV? There's another side that I don't hide
but might never show.” Damita Jo, Damita Jo

On death – “Everywhere I go, every smile I see, I know you are there smiling back at me.” Together Again, The Velvet Rope

On nation building – “People of the world unite. Strength in numbers we can get it right.” Rhythm Nation, Rhythm Nation 1814

On wealth and spirituality – “There is nothing more depressing than having everything and still feeling sad. You have to learn to water your spiritual garden.” Sad/Special, The Velvet Rope

On career aspiration – “Do movies. I do dance. Do music. I love doin' my man,” Damita Jo, Damita Jo

Post script: Call On Me is the lead single of 20 Y.O. and Janet’s 16th number 1 hit on Billboard’s Hot R&B Charts.

Friday, November 27, 2009


Chelsea Handler is one funny lady.

I have subscribed to her podcast in iTunes and regularly watch Chelsea Lately.

Raft3r and Chelsea are also friends on Facebook. Ah, the wonders of technology.

Although Handler's humor is not at all groundbreaking (jokes about Asians, Mexicans, midgets, gays, et. al.), her delivery is impeccable.

Her round table discussion with fellow comedians about today’s celebrity gossip is a hoot. I die laughing just watching them.

One thing I like about Handler is her take no prisoner attitude. Chelsea says what she wants and does not give a damn. It’s pure entertainment bliss.

She pokes fun at everything and everyone – including herself.

Ms. Lately has already victimized Mariah Carey, John Mayer, the Olsen Twins, and a slew of other celebs.

Chelsea is game for anything.

Just don’t call her baby. It’s Chelsea. Ms. Handler, if you’re nasty.

Post script: Nasty has been certified gold for sales of over half a million copies in the US alone. Janet has a total of 21 gold singles. Nasty is a top 3 hit from the Control CD.

Monday, November 23, 2009

State Of The World

On one lazy Friday morning, the US Secretary of State paid our little office a visit.

It was a historical occasion.

Everyone was excited. We were all asked by Human Resources to wear smart casual for the meet and greet.

A town hall meeting was set at 10 o’clock in the morning. Raft3r had an appointment with a client at the same time. Work had to be a priority.

I wanted to meet Hillary.

Raft3r wanted to ask her questions - not about the economy or US foreign relation policies - but about Monica and Bill. I needed to see her lose her cool like she did in Congo.

You have to hand in to Hillary, though. She knows how to speak her mind.

My favorite Secretary of State is Colin Powell. He founded America’s Promise. Mr. Powell is also good friends with Janet Jackson.

Post Script: State Of The World is a track from Rhythm Nation 1814 which produced seven top 5 singles in the Billboard Hot 100, a record unsurpassed until now. Rhythm Nation 1814 sold more than 14 million records worldwide.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


What if:

1. Pacman did not win against Cotto;
2. the Philippines has not been devastated by Ondoy and his friends;
3. GMA never became President;
4. the starlet never switched networks;
5. polygamy is not a crime;
6. there is only ONE religion;
7. Janet’s wardrobe malfunction did not occur;
8. Palin won as Vice President;
9. The Deadbeat Club never existed.

Would the world be a better place?

Post script: If is one of Janet’s 19 #1 songs in Billboard Hot Dance chart. It is the second single from the janet. album.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Doesn't Really Matter

In my plight to be leaner before the Holiday Season, the kids and I headed to a hotel lunch buffet on Veteran’s Day.

Raft3r had 2 plates of rib eye steak with a small serving of lechon on the side, a couple of lobsters, 5 scoops of ice cream, a fruit platter, and 2 slices of blueberry cheesecake.

I could have gone on and on and ate like crazy. But I am on a diet. I think.

Post script: Doesn’t Really Matter, the theme song to her hit movie The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, is but one of Janet’s ten #1 singles in the Billboard Hot 100. The single is also included in her All For You CD.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The Pleasure Principle

Raft3r has a new pastime.

It is watching girls eat. Seriously, I am hooked.

There is something sexy about women and their mouth. It is not just the lips that Raft3r finds attractive, but the entire mouth.

It all started with Leighton Meester. Yes, that hot chick from Gossip Girl.

I saw her eat an entire plate of pasta on TMZ. It was one of the best TV moments EVER.

Watching Leighton open her mouth is quite orgasmic. That is one lucky fork, I tell you.

With more than five (5) hours to spare before flying back to Manila, I headed to The Venetian for a quick bite and some girl watching.

Chinese women eat really FAST. They chew rather quickly and open their mouth really wide when eating.

Pinays, on the other hand, are far more reserved. They chew their food slowly and open their mouth very discreetly when eating.

Of course, these are all hasty generalizations. All women have different ways of eating.

Some devour their food like there is no tomorrow. That is such a huge turnoff. Others eat with a lot of grace and composure. That is more of Raft3r’s taste.

It’s fascinating to watch women eat. It’s no rocket science. But it’s a glimpse inside their psyche.

Raft3r’s oral fixation has sprung.

Post script: The Pleasure Principle is the sixth single taken off Control which sold over 14 million albums worldwide.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Son Of A Gun

The three (3) hour flight to Macau was excruciating.

Thanks to an infant boy and his mother, everyone on board Flight 5J 362 was in for a treat.

Not only did Madonna and child delay our take off for more than half an hour, baby boy cried and screamed at the top of his lungs for the entire duration of the flight.

It was like being trapped in baby hell. As fate would have it, Raft3r was seated next to the crying rugrat.

The devil baby was like the Energizer bunny. He just won’t quit. Not once did he stop crying.

When we touched down, I immediately took my bag and headed to Immigration. A couple of minutes later, Raft3r heard the familiar cry. The kid was just behind me and still howling.

He just wouldn't let up. You got to admire the kid for his persistence, though.

Post script: Son Of A Gun samples Carly Simon’s You’re So Vain. It is the last single from All For You which sold more than seven (7) million copies worldwide.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Accept Me

Everyone hates a quitter, right?

But there comes a point in life when you just have to stop trying.

That doesn’t mean you are a failure.

It’s just a realization that there are certain things that we cannot change.

This includes my inability to lose weight.

Post script: Accept Me is the B-side to Every Time. The latter is the sixth single off The Velvet Rope CD which sold more than 10 (ten) million copies worldwide.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Twenty Foreplay

Wifey once said, “Relax. It’s just sex.”

1. Whisper sweet nothings to her.
2. Role play.
3. Slowly stroke her thighs.
4. Bubble bath.
5. Striptease.
6. Nibble her ears.
7. Sensual massage.
8. Play with her belly button.
9. Watch erotic movies together.
10. Lick whip cream off each other's bodies.
11. Blindfold her.
12. Play with her babies using ice.
13. Tease her endlessly.
14. As background music, listen to Janet’s “Anytime, Anyplace.”
15. The tongue is a great communicator.
16. Caress her knees.
17. Kiss her like it’s the only thing that matters.
18. Rough it up a bit.
19. Tell each others' fantasies.
20. Read her a funny post from The Deadbeat Club. (Trust me. This one really works!)

Post script: Twenty Foreplay is the second single from Janet’s first greatest hits album, Design Of A Decade, which sold more than ten (10) million copies worldwide.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Whoops Now

On the first of November, Raft3r spent the whole day with three (3) elder members of the family.

The young ones were out and about in the beaches of Tacloban. Lucky bastards.

We visited the cemetery to pay respect to our dearly departed.

Elderly 1 is always angry. Elderly 2 is always irritating. Elderly 3 is always chatty.

1 and 2 are always at odds. Today was no exception. They fought about everything – from the way 2 walks to the way 1 overreacted when 2 scolded a household help. 3 chimed in and joined the fun.

It was one huge circus and we were at a very public place.

The decibels of their voices were more than enough to break glass. Take that, Mariah!

Don’t get me wrong. I love my family to pieces. But like everyone else’s brood, mine is pretty dysfunctional.

Spending time with my family is like watching a really terrible movie. You know it’s bad for you. But you still stay glued just to see how it all ends.

Post script: To celebrate my wife’s Greatest Hits CD (out November 17), all month’s posts are named after Janet songs. Whoops Now is the bonus track from the janet. album which sold over twenty (20) million copies worldwide.